THE POSITIVITY MINDSET

He listens and never stops listening, He's almost everything I wished you could have been for me, And more. I hope you you find someone for you, The way he is for me. I want this to work, Really, truly want this to work He's almost too good to be true though. I'm scared,  Always, Maybe he does not feel the same, Or maybe he just has a kind heart and is being friendly, I don't know. He doesn't show any direct interest, Or maybe there are signs I am not picking up. But like I said, This is too good to be true. I don't deserve nice things, but you do. I hope you find someone for you, You deserve it.

These days I feel like I'm a contradiction. I am a mixture of happy and sad at the same time and I am trying to figure out how to get by in life without losing myself in all of the definitions and explanations people want to have from me. It seems on most days I am drowning and it feels like nobody notices what is wrong. I have never been too confident in swimming and right now it feels like I am drowning in a cold, dark bottomless lake. Maybe because if I am already under water, I stay quiet, suffering in silence. I refuse to make a single move while I am falling down because I am too worried I will make the water wave a little. I don't want to bother anyone for help. I can safe myself. I can save myself. I can save myself. I don't need anyone because no one wants me. So far that is the mantra I repeat in my head in the mornings when I force myself out go the cloud of darkness and get out of bed.  These past couple months have honestly been a dark battle mentally and it ...

Truth is, I will always be scared, no matter how many times you tell me, I will always be scared. I will be scared, of not being good enough for you. Or if i am at all, there will always be a little doubt, making me change five times before i see you, wondering which pair of jeans will make my body more tempting to undress. Tell me, show me, what I can do or say, to make you think damn, she is so striking she makes my knees weak and mind blank. Tell me, reassure me, and all the insecure parts of my body. Kiss my insecurities away, my awkward hands, my too thin legs. You alone are my reassurance, your voice alone is enough, telling me i am enough. I just need to hear you say, that I don't need to try so hard to be perfect. I am enough and it is okay.

One of the most meaningful pieces of advice I have received from someone is to "date someone who is interested in you". And that does not necessarily mean someone who thinks you are cute or funny. It means someone who wants to know every insignificant detail about you. Someone who wants to read every word you write. Who wants to hear your favourite songs and why those are your favourite. Someone who wants to find every scar upon you body and learn where each one came from. Someone who wants to know which quotes or songs resonate deep inside your bones and will genuinely listen anytime you just need to vent. Someone who can get you to laugh when you need it the most. There is a difference between attraction and interest; one I have sadly learnt the hard way. Just because someone desires you, does not mean they value you. Finding someone who wants to learn every aspect of who you are as a person and stick it out through the tough times, who wants to stand in the sun with you ...

1. The difference between being naturally thin and being skinny is that when you’re skinny, everyone is constantly trying to get you to eat. As though you are starving yourself on purpose; for some sort of attention. As though they are soldiers and you are a war they must win, with food instead of guns in their hands. 2. Four years ago, when I first realised that I couldn’t sleep on my side anymore because my hipbones cut like knives into my skin, and I could count every single one of my ribs, I ate everything I found in the fridge that I could get my hands on until I threw up, and my mother cried thinking I was doing it on purpose. It took me three sessions of intensive therapy to convince the therapist that I wasn’t sick when honestly, I wasn’t sure anymore about myself when I looked at my reflection in the mirror. 3. The first time a boy grasped my wrist too hard because I didn’t want to turn into another one of his trophies, my wrist was like a twig that could not stop...

Looking around me today I’ve realised everything is so different. 2015 flew by to say the least. My hair is shorter, the colour has changed. The people I hang out with aren’t the same people who were with me when the year began. My lessons and classes are full with people I haven’t spoken to before. I am able to smile freely and laugh carelessly. How is this possible? Time. Time flies and before you know it you’re aren’t in the world you once knew. The pains of yesterday are just that: the pains of yesterday. Time flies. With the snap of invisible fingers you’ve grown up, become stronger. Time flies and before you know it, you’ve made it. When put into certain situation, it's a natural thing to think that the world is going to end, everything is going wrong and to just give up. But taking one day at a time and just living in the moment, not overthinking about tomorrow is how to get over it. It won't happen overnight, and that's something I'm still trying to get used t...