Confessions From a Skinny Girl

1. The difference between being naturally thin and being skinny is that when you’re skinny, everyone is constantly trying to get you to eat. As though you are starving yourself on purpose; for some sort of attention. As though they are soldiers and you are a war they must win, with food instead of guns in their hands.

2. Four years ago, when I first realised that I couldn’t sleep on my side anymore because my hipbones cut like knives into my skin, and I could count every single one of my ribs, I ate everything I found in the fridge that I could get my hands on until I threw up, and my mother cried thinking I was doing it on purpose. It took me three sessions of intensive therapy to convince the therapist that I wasn’t sick when honestly, I wasn’t sure anymore about myself when I looked at my reflection in the mirror.

3. The first time a boy grasped my wrist too hard because I didn’t want to turn into another one of his trophies, my wrist was like a twig that could not stop him from taking what he wanted. The way my forearm aches at times reminds me that sex is sometimes a boy with a shark like smile and a body that doesn’t know how to fight back without breaking.

4. The second boy I fell in love with, first loved me for my thin, gazelle like frame, then left me because he realised I was actually just skin and bones and numerous hospital trips.

5. I only feel beautiful now when I am eating and everyone who loves me is watching me in relief, thinking that thank god the problem is solved because, look at least she is eating, at least she isn’t trying to kill herself anymore.

6. People never fail to tell me how lucky I am. Because somehow, having a body that barely qualifies having enough meat on it to be called one, and is actively trying to die by constantly refusing food is somehow better than being called ‘fat’ or ‘overweight’.

7. My best friend came to visit me in January and told me she was going to be losing two dress sizes and how all her problems with confidence would be over just like that. I said nothing. After all, what does a skinny girl know about struggling with weight and insecurity?

8. Today, my body and I are no longer at war with each other. But still, when someone sees me take off my bulky sweater, sees how thin my arms are, how my bones angle out of my skin, they smile at me with worry in their eyes and ask, “Have you eaten anything today?” It is still a continuous battle, but one I will slowly overcome with patience and perseverance. I've also learned that this is a confession not everyone can bear to hear and that is okay; the ones in my life that are important will be there for me and are the only ones that need to know what I am going through.