I'm Terrible At Swimming

These days I feel like I'm a contradiction. I am a mixture of happy and sad at the same time and I am trying to figure out how to get by in life without losing myself in all of the definitions and explanations people want to have from me. It seems on most days I am drowning and it feels like nobody notices what is wrong. I have never been too confident in swimming and right now it feels like I am drowning in a cold, dark bottomless lake. Maybe because if I am already under water, I stay quiet, suffering in silence. I refuse to make a single move while I am falling down because I am too worried I will make the water wave a little. I don't want to bother anyone for help. I can safe myself. I can save myself. I can save myself. I don't need anyone because no one wants me. So far that is the mantra I repeat in my head in the mornings when I force myself out go the cloud of darkness and get out of bed. 

These past couple months have honestly been a dark battle mentally and it has definitely taken a toll on me. I hate how my thinking morphs and changes my perspective on life and then the decisions I make. I try constantly to be so warm and full of light that no one has any idea the kind of terrible things I have seen and been through. It's so hard to be positive all the time that sometimes even though I tell everyone that I'm fine, I'm actually screaming at the top of my lungs in my mind. Just once I want someone to wrap their arms around me, and tell me that I don't need to strive to be perfect because I'm perfect the way I am. Each day I try to hold on to one positive thing that has occurred and it helps me when the negative thinking tries to get me down; although some days it's often harder to do so. At times in the past few months I take on so much work that I try to forget the negativity that is slowing creeping its way in. I have made the mistake numerous times (because obviously I haven't learned my lesson the first and second and third time it happened) to make someone else the reason for my happiness and rely on that sole person to make all the negativity in my life disappear. I have learned that no one but myself alone can be the reason of my happiness and before I can stand in the sun happy beside someone, I have to learn to be happy by myself. It is something that I go back to again and again, a lesson I have yet to ace because I'm scared. Scared that as I am looking for the happiness I long for by myself, I won't find happiness with that special someone. Instead of a prince charming to save my damsel in distress self from the tower I need a lifeguard that will help me from drowning in the abyss of cold water depression has taken form of.