Mixed Feelings
I just want to say, shout out the people who have parents that are loving, yet black holes of emotional labor as well. It took me a couple of years to realize it is okay to feel this way; to have mixed feelings about your parents and the relationship you have with them.
Sometimes your parents love you and have your best intentions at heart, but at the same time can be toxic to you, your health, and your growth in life. Often times it is hard to realize this, as it might just come across as "normal". Sometimes your parents love you genuinely, but lack emotional maturity, forcing you to perform unequal amounts of emotional labor/support. Some parents (like mine) manifest symptoms of their mental illnesses in ways that is toxic to your well-being and mental health.
Some parents, like mine, try really hard to be good supportive parents which I am thankful for, yet they fall back on old habits of emotional manipulation because they are modeling behavior they grew up with; even if they don't know what exactly they are doing has any sort of affect on their children. Even if that is the case, what they do is not something you as their child has to constantly forgive. It is okay to feel tired, to feel hurt when you do not recieve the same compassion you give out to them. You do not need to forgive every mistake made. Growing up in an East-Indian community, family is an important factor in our lives, and yet the healthy relationship of how parents should treat their children's wellbeing is one that is not often discussed as predominately as other things like marriage or whether or not they are going to university to become a doctor.
As someone going through this very pain, having a love-hate relationship with my parents, I can tell you that it is ok. It is okay to protect yourself, ask for space and get it as well; whether the space asked for is not so many questions asked before going out with friends or moving out entirely. Space is needed and it is imporant to set boundaries that you yourself, are in control of. The love you have for your parents is more than enough and it is okay. Over the years, my relationship with my parents, especially my mom has been one similar to a roller coaster ride to say the least. Good and bad, we have come to mutual grounds that this is just life and it is okay. Putting up these boundaries and an emotional distnce between me and her has been difficult yet a growing process as well. It is not an easy thing to do, it definetly hurts to sort of stop the natural empathy we have for the people that we love.
Regardless of the hurt, I promise you, you as a person are not cold-hearted nor ungrateful. Coming from parents who are immigrants, who pretty much uprooted their lives just for the sake that their children would have better lives than themselves, means so much to me and I am forever grateful to be born here in Canada, yet that is not an excuse for the emotional toil many children of immigrants go in silence. And what hurts the most is how something like this is not talked about. There is no known support and people just suffer quielty all hush-hush. Creating a safe emotional distance is good for yourself emotionally, physically, mentally, and spirtually as well. In this confusing gray area mixed with love, guilt, anxiety, manipulation, and unreciprocated efforts I can 100% promise you, you are not alone.
Youre mixed feelings are valid.
Sometimes your parents love you and have your best intentions at heart, but at the same time can be toxic to you, your health, and your growth in life. Often times it is hard to realize this, as it might just come across as "normal". Sometimes your parents love you genuinely, but lack emotional maturity, forcing you to perform unequal amounts of emotional labor/support. Some parents (like mine) manifest symptoms of their mental illnesses in ways that is toxic to your well-being and mental health.
Some parents, like mine, try really hard to be good supportive parents which I am thankful for, yet they fall back on old habits of emotional manipulation because they are modeling behavior they grew up with; even if they don't know what exactly they are doing has any sort of affect on their children. Even if that is the case, what they do is not something you as their child has to constantly forgive. It is okay to feel tired, to feel hurt when you do not recieve the same compassion you give out to them. You do not need to forgive every mistake made. Growing up in an East-Indian community, family is an important factor in our lives, and yet the healthy relationship of how parents should treat their children's wellbeing is one that is not often discussed as predominately as other things like marriage or whether or not they are going to university to become a doctor.
As someone going through this very pain, having a love-hate relationship with my parents, I can tell you that it is ok. It is okay to protect yourself, ask for space and get it as well; whether the space asked for is not so many questions asked before going out with friends or moving out entirely. Space is needed and it is imporant to set boundaries that you yourself, are in control of. The love you have for your parents is more than enough and it is okay. Over the years, my relationship with my parents, especially my mom has been one similar to a roller coaster ride to say the least. Good and bad, we have come to mutual grounds that this is just life and it is okay. Putting up these boundaries and an emotional distnce between me and her has been difficult yet a growing process as well. It is not an easy thing to do, it definetly hurts to sort of stop the natural empathy we have for the people that we love.
Regardless of the hurt, I promise you, you as a person are not cold-hearted nor ungrateful. Coming from parents who are immigrants, who pretty much uprooted their lives just for the sake that their children would have better lives than themselves, means so much to me and I am forever grateful to be born here in Canada, yet that is not an excuse for the emotional toil many children of immigrants go in silence. And what hurts the most is how something like this is not talked about. There is no known support and people just suffer quielty all hush-hush. Creating a safe emotional distance is good for yourself emotionally, physically, mentally, and spirtually as well. In this confusing gray area mixed with love, guilt, anxiety, manipulation, and unreciprocated efforts I can 100% promise you, you are not alone.
Youre mixed feelings are valid.
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