Ongoing Battle

Looking back, I don't think there's an exact day or moment when I came to a realization of what exactly was happening. There was a number of small incidents that led up to the big reveal and when others actually took notice. 

It's a constant battle that I have with myself that started in middle school when I was bullied with the way I looked. I just wanted to fit in, to be normal, to be accepted and have friends. I wanted to do that and guess that meant harming myself in order to achieve that. Looking back, I don't think there was an exact date as to when all this started. Each day, I would slowly skip certain meals, not enough that people would notice my intentions, but enough to satisfy the need that what I was doing was helping me achieve my goal. Fast forward to high school, add on large amounts of homework, stress, family issues, minus the food, add the gym and you've got a bad problem. Trying to take care of others meant that I forgot about myself.

Grade 10 was when my mom found out in the worst possible way ever for any parent to find out their child is suffering. It started out as any normal day, I went to school, and afterwards pushed myself the extra mile at the gym. Then pushed myself even more, and more, and more. Then went to practise where I pushed myself to an extreme where with the lack of food and energy, I met my limit and collapsed. Concerned friends took me to the hospital where my mom was called in from work. Worried that something terrible had happened to me, she was met with an unresponsive child on a hospital bed and a doctor trying to calm her down. My body had shut itself down and was slowly "recharging", and I was asleep for 2 days. My mom didn't leave my side for those 2 days. The third day, I woke up to my mom asleep holding my hand, her head in my lap. When the nurse came in and saw I was awake, she went to go get the doctor and that's when my mom woke up. That entire day she did't stop crying. She blamed herself for everything I had gone through. After checking to see if I was okay, the doctor and my mom had a very serious conversation about my health. I was kept in the hospital for a week for observation, where I had a lot of physical and psychological tests done. My mom didn't leave my side for that entire week. I couldn't make myself look her in the eyes that entire week.

Things were okay, great even at times after that. I made sure that my mom saw that I was eating, taking care of myself and I was okay. Things weren't so bad at school, life was great until the summer of grade 10. Summer time means anything can happen. Summer has endless opportunities for adventures and memories to be made. Summer of grade 10 I met a boy that changed that way I have forever looked at myself. What happened in 2 months can never be erased from my memory and plays an important role in the way I am now. That's where I got introduced just how important what others say about you can  affect the way you think about yourself. When you put all your trust into someone, you make yourself vulnerable and give all the power to the individual. In the end of the summer a lot of things were broken. My self-esteem, heart and my self-confidence were all crushed. I walked around the house and never looked into a mirror longer than I needed to. I became a professional at faking a smile and was introduced to a way to make myself numb to the pain I was feeling. Cutting became an outlet of some sort for me, a coping method for me. At that time, my mom decided I needed to get away from life, from all the stress and I missed about 6 months of grade 10 and went to a wellness centre (rehab centre) to work on myself in Vancouver. The time spent there really put what I was doing to myself, to my body, and my family into perspective. I made a choice there to find my passion, my happiness and work to be a better, healthier version of myself.

When I returned to school, I told everyone that I had went to India. Since I had missed so much school, my principal told me there was a small chance I would't finish school with all my classmates. I made it my goal to push myself in a healthy way and get all caught up with all the school I had missed while I was gone. I devoted all my time to school. I took online classes, stayed after school, did extra assignments, practically anything to be able to finish school with my classmates and not be held back a grade. Finished grade 10 with my classmates and I felt on top of the world. At that time, my parents decided that we should move to a new school and new place to get away from all the negativity. I decided then that a new place would mean a better version of myself.

Grade 11 meant new home, new town, and a time to start all over with myself. Grade 11 was a blur of happiness and a year where things were going great. Met a lot of people, and made some great friends. This was the year that I decided I didn't have to cut myself to numb all the pain. I learned the hard way that life is a roller coaster, with highs and lows. And sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before climbing up to a great view. With a great support system and motivation anything can be achieved. Grade 12 was spent on just bettering myself and becoming a healthier version of who I was. There were times where I had to think long and hard as to if all this was worth all the trouble. Then I think to where I was a year ago, or even 3 years ago, and see how far I have come. That would't have been possible without all the effort I made and I feel so proud of myself.

Everyday is a constant struggle for me. At times there are days were I can barely get out of bed, I just don't wanna face all the obstacles in a day. But then I find one thing, even a tiny moment that made me smile, whether it be something I saw, or something my friends said to me, and just remember that if I gave up today I wouldn't experience something like that again the next day. There were days in the past where I was so close to giving up and just saying goodbye to everything and everyone. But I've made it my goal everyday to surround myself with positivity that there is no room for any negativity in my life. :)

I'm at the point in my life where I can say I'm truly happy. I've got incredible friends in my life that make everyday special. So happy that I've met them, cause life got better with them, and they know who they are :) Although at times it's often hard to stay positive, I can't give up. Come a long way, and I've got a journey ahead of me as well. Proud of myself of all I have accomplished and would't have been able to accomplish half of it without the friends and support system I have. It's an ongoing battle, but the battle scars I have just show me just how strong I really am :) I'm proud to be my own super hero as cheesy as that sounds it's so true.

~Think Positive~Be Positive~And Positive Things Will Happen~XO